1, Tattoos on the forearm or neck
2, A complete and utter lack of financial understanding and planning.
3, A mobile phone with a cracked screen.
4, At least a dozen Grandmothers (all of whom die on a sunday night/monday morning)
5, Has had a stint in prison.
6, The unique ability to talk a complex structure (up and down and on the wagon) from the comfort of a bar stool.
7, The CSA after him.
8, A brother/cousin who "is on Trad's"
9, A suprisingly fit girlfriend.
10, At least one staffie.
11, Kids by at least 2 different partners
12,Had worked putting the roof on Canary wharfe
13,has been done for drink driving at least once
14,knows at least 1 person that worked with the Krays
15,smokes or smoked weed
16,drives a battered old car with no tax insurance or mot
17,must be racist
18,wears joggers with holes where burned with disc cutter
19,must have illegible handwriting, like a Doctor.
20,The ability to swear at least 3 times in every sentance and make it sound ok.
21,An inherant hatred of traffic wardens,the police,Judges,Magistrates,Site managers and most of all Bricklayers + their ex wives and their ex wives partners,families, families pets etc etc etc
22, Have a stupid, childish ringtone on his mobile phone
23, Gets the evening standard for the sole purpose of looking at the scaffolding jobs (regardless of whether looking for work or not)
24, Have chips with their breakfast (under 25's only)
25, Spends every other night 'up all night with the little one' - even though their missus doesn't work
26, Have an amazing ability to keep a straight face when saying 'what are we gonna get paid for saturday?' - even though a complete moron could work out that absolutely nothing got done on the saturday and they were clearly in the Wetherspoons at 11am
27, Have tinned, not fried tomatoes with their breakfast (over 25's only)
28, Own a 'standard scaffolders issue phone' that runs out of battery at 3.30pm, every day
29, Takes a sh*t at least 4 times a day (daywork lads only)
30, Thinks Cancun is a good place to get married
31, Has a bacon roll for breakfast (over 50's only)
32, Doesn't realise that there is an echo when you ring your governor from a pub toilet.
33,Only ever does "drawing jobs mate" but can't actually read one.
34,works on a site with skips ,and waste bins everywhere but can't put the crisp bags,coke cans,fag packets,old scratch cards,copies of the Sun,Sport etc into one of the said wast recepticles,prefering instead to leave it in the lorry so that its so dirty you need a tetnus jab to get in it.
35,would walk miles to get to a cafe, but won't walk 50 ft to get the gear because "I'm a f*ckin scaff not a Donkey mate"
36,Will use any of the following items, Nail,bolt,old drill bit,bit of threaded rod,piece of wood or metal to knock in a hilti m16 insert EVEN IF THEY HAD THE DRIFT .
37,Would think nothing of carefully cutting out a patch of carefuly erected monoflex
so as to be able to watch women below.
38,Will spend thousands on the latest flatscreen tv but won't buy a new spanner ,prefering to fix it with an old nail or the like.
39,Will wear boots that Robinson Crusoe wouldn't been seen in,unless on the cards and then DeWalt are the only boots acceptable.
40,Will ask endless stupid questions during a toolbox talk in your time to drag it out,but won't even breathe during a toolbox talk ,at lets say 4 ish !
41, Have to have at least 6 red bulls a day.
42, Go to the shop for food after coming to work,even if they pass the bloody thing on the way in.
43, Must own an aquaphone:- rings the boss the instant a drop of rain hits it.
44, Be allergic to the fittings shed.
45, And paint.
46, Must have the ability to drive to the job and back at 40 mph (motorway or not )
47, And 90 mph if it's a job and knock.
48, Be a proper chatterbox from 8am to 8:30 when they get into work and practically deaf and dumb at ten to five when its time to go home.
49, Must think that supplied work clothes are of the disposable type. Most of ours are behind seats of lorries and in the canteen.
50, Who's next for a rant
51,Will be able to text whilst carrying out any number of precarious tasks including, Driving,scaffolding,eating in the cafe,on the rope and wheel,talking on the landline
52,Will think nothing of bombing tonnes of gear into an area the size of a stamp rather than walking it 10 yards, so the whole area resembles a crows nest or giant game or Kerr-plunk with people everywhere dodging the tubes raining down from above,only to down tools should a speck of debris from another trade fall within 50ft of them.
53,will take weeks to carry out a job whilst on daywork ,but hours if its job and knock.
54,Can do amazing calculations Stephen Hawkins would struggle with to work out the odds on a yankee at the bookies or work out what they have earned on a price,but cant fill in a tacho.
55,Are able to park the lorry anywhere in london at any time for any reason "cus we're scaffs mate,don't need an exemption"
56,Can get a lorry into any area any where, if it means not walking the gear more than a metre.
57,Have or will work on "Buck ouse" (Buckingham Palace)at sometime between stints in Jail
58,Are "Friends" on Raol Moats facebook page
59,Went to Ronnie Krays funeral
60,Erect 20 square each and every day regardless of where they are.
61,Insist you buy fruit of the loom sweatshirts for them ,and then after 1 day they wear crappy old sweatshirts from their old firm claiming the new one you gave them is in the wash,and they need another
62, Utters the generic phrase "I could get a start on there tomorrow if I wanted to" (at intervals not exceeding 35 minutes.)
63, If a large, prestige job is mentioned by anyone, the words "yeah, I put that up" is muttered, following a pause not exceeding 0.015 seconds (even though it clearly took at crew of 12 blokes, 6 weeks to erect, during which time the scaffolder in question was doing house fronts for £80 a day, cash in hand.)
64, The supervisor was ALWAYS 'useless on the tools'
65, Leaves a perfectly good, regular job for an extra fiver a day.
66, Thinks Sharm el Skeikh is a decent holiday resort.
67, Is a fully certified and paid up member of 'The Monday Club'
68, Has a complete and utter lack of understanding of the difference between a half hitch and a clove hitch.
69, Surveys suggest that the average London scaffolder with 10 years in the game has said "Yeah, I know Hayden" at least 8 thousand times during his career....
70, Has a missus who works part time in a high street bank.
71, Whilst having a mandatory stella and cocaine session in the local boozer on a Friday afternoon/evening, only multi lift hangars, apexed temporary roofs, flying shores, or jobs exceeding 600ft high will be mentioned.r one or they'll have to wear this one from ***** again "mate"
72,Will always steal,borrow,filch,nick,take any building materials from site if carrying out a complex building job at home ,claiming it a "right on the site" .I have personaly witnessed such items as ,Bricks and blocks,wood,tiles and slates the ever popular bags of cement (damp) sand, fridges and white goods a dog and even a small rowing boat with "Property of Grafham water" clearly written on it.
73,Will take every single item from the yard that the rival gang needed,even if its not needed by them,just for badness !
74,Will ring up the yardman at 4.30 with a massive list you couldn't fit on the Titanic and utter the words "we need all that in the morning or we can't get on"
75,Will send back the above loaded lorry with the mearest amount used proclaiming job done mate at 12.30 (usualy fridays).
76,Will take "Colditz" style chances to steal the yardmans gloves or tape measure.
77, Over-order gloves and then sell the surpluss to a trader on Romford Market for 50p a pair.
78, Think that anyone is actually impressed or cares that you 'did a flying shore on your advanced course' - Er, so just like everyone else then?...
79, Arrive on site at 8.15 and declare to a stressed site manager "Don't worry mate, we're the A-Team", and then promptly disappear to the cafe until 10am.
80, Think that the office girls over the road and the gang of bricklayers on site wil be impressed when you 'balance' a 21 on your chin. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
81, Claim to be s**t hot at hemping and then when a lift with high scarfs comes along, either, 1 - go for a dump, or 2 - Jump down into the chain and let a real scaffolder whack em on.
82 Has at one time or another owned a ford granada
83 Worked on the Nat West tower under 25s
84 Thrown gear down so high it burst a gas pipe.
85 Fallen over 20' bot survived cause they were in the SAS/SBS
86 Flapped band and plate from 100ft without the pair parting
87 Dropped a 21 in Oxford street in rush hour miraculously missing everone
88 Has a blimp on every job even if its not a street job!!
89 Thinks the dash for the lorry is where you place youre feet
90 Thinks every bird must fancy me even when I have no hair and no teeth case i am a scaff so then says Morning Darling Fancy the Weekend on My Boat (Boat Race + Face for the uneducated)
91, Thinks that materials are issued to scaffolding companies free of charge...
92, Has a fondness for pathetic chunks of worthless yellow 'jewellery'
93, Randomly says "I spent 2 years on the rope and wheel before I was allowed any spanners" (even though you can clearly remember him spending £302.77 in Leaches a day after he recieved his first wage packet)
94, Asks for a sub 2 days after he recieves his first wage packet
95, Thinks that diesel is issued to scaffolding companies free of charge....
96, Has the top Sky TV subscription
97, Has a slate in his local boozer
98, Thinks that non-productive personnel are issued to scaffolding companies free of charge...
99, Is saving up to get married in Vegas
100, Has a forklift/mewp/first aid ticket "but it's expired" - "so you don't have a ticket then?" - "No, but I did have" - "That's a no then!"
101,If given the choice and it was "FREE" would still rather fill their Astra, or Escort (ex bt) van up with red deisel.
102,Has considered,contemplated or tried to fit the 3.5 tonne lorry through the Mcdonalds drive through.
103,Has got really friendly with the site canteen lady,run up a massive bill on credit ,then knokced her and been heard laughing and muttering "fat old cow her sausages were tescos white label anyway,she deserved it"
104, Has braved the coldest,snow laden roads only to turn up in the yard,do a handbrake turn ,skimming the parked forklift being jump started,lept out of the car to a barrage of snow balls, put up a stowic defense of the fitting bins,then breezed into the office declaring "you can't work out in this mate,its freezing and dangerous"
105,Used the forklift in the yard as a jack to change a wheel or bald tyre.
---------- Post added at 07:46 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:37 PM ----------
1, Tattoos on the forearm or neck
2, A complete and utter lack of financial understanding and planning.
3, A mobile phone with a cracked screen.
4, At least a dozen Grandmothers (all of whom die on a sunday night/monday morning)
5, Has had a stint in prison.
6, The unique ability to talk a complex structure (up and down and on the wagon) from the comfort of a bar stool.
7, The CSA after him.
8, A brother/cousin who "is on Trad's"
9, A suprisingly fit girlfriend.
10, At least one staffie.
11, Kids by at least 2 different partners
12,Had worked putting the roof on Canary wharfe
13,has been done for drink driving at least once
14,knows at least 1 person that worked with the Krays
15,smokes or smoked weed
16,drives a battered old car with no tax insurance or mot
17,must be racist
18,wears joggers with holes where burned with disc cutter
19,must have illegible handwriting, like a Doctor.
20,The ability to swear at least 3 times in every sentance and make it sound ok.
21,An inherant hatred of traffic wardens,the police,Judges,Magistrates,Site managers and most of all Bricklayers + their ex wives and their ex wives partners,families, families pets etc etc etc
22, Have a stupid, childish ringtone on his mobile phone
23, Gets the evening standard for the sole purpose of looking at the scaffolding jobs (regardless of whether looking for work or not)
24, Have chips with their breakfast (under 25's only)
25, Spends every other night 'up all night with the little one' - even though their missus doesn't work
26, Have an amazing ability to keep a straight face when saying 'what are we gonna get paid for saturday?' - even though a complete moron could work out that absolutely nothing got done on the saturday and they were clearly in the Wetherspoons at 11am
27, Have tinned, not fried tomatoes with their breakfast (over 25's only)
28, Own a 'standard scaffolders issue phone' that runs out of battery at 3.30pm, every day
29, Takes a sh*t at least 4 times a day (daywork lads only)
30, Thinks Cancun is a good place to get married
31, Has a bacon roll for breakfast (over 50's only)
32, Doesn't realise that there is an echo when you ring your governor from a pub toilet.
33,Only ever does "drawing jobs mate" but can't actually read one.
34,works on a site with skips ,and waste bins everywhere but can't put the crisp bags,coke cans,fag packets,old scratch cards,copies of the Sun,Sport etc into one of the said wast recepticles,prefering instead to leave it in the lorry so that its so dirty you need a tetnus jab to get in it.
35,would walk miles to get to a cafe, but won't walk 50 ft to get the gear because "I'm a f*ckin scaff not a Donkey mate"
36,Will use any of the following items, Nail,bolt,old drill bit,bit of threaded rod,piece of wood or metal to knock in a hilti m16 insert EVEN IF THEY HAD THE DRIFT .
37,Would think nothing of carefully cutting out a patch of carefuly erected monoflex
so as to be able to watch women below.
38,Will spend thousands on the latest flatscreen tv but won't buy a new spanner ,prefering to fix it with an old nail or the like.
39,Will wear boots that Robinson Crusoe wouldn't been seen in,unless on the cards and then DeWalt are the only boots acceptable.
40,Will ask endless stupid questions during a toolbox talk in your time to drag it out,but won't even breathe during a toolbox talk ,at lets say 4 ish !
41, Have to have at least 6 red bulls a day.
42, Go to the shop for food after coming to work,even if they pass the bloody thing on the way in.
43, Must own an aquaphone:- rings the boss the instant a drop of rain hits it.
44, Be allergic to the fittings shed.
45, And paint.
46, Must have the ability to drive to the job and back at 40 mph (motorway or not )
47, And 90 mph if it's a job and knock.
48, Be a proper chatterbox from 8am to 8:30 when they get into work and practically deaf and dumb at ten to five when its time to go home.
49, Must think that supplied work clothes are of the disposable type. Most of ours are behind seats of lorries and in the canteen.
50, Who's next for a rant
51,Will be able to text whilst carrying out any number of precarious tasks including, Driving,scaffolding,eating in the cafe,on the rope and wheel,talking on the landline
52,Will think nothing of bombing tonnes of gear into an area the size of a stamp rather than walking it 10 yards, so the whole area resembles a crows nest or giant game or Kerr-plunk with people everywhere dodging the tubes raining down from above,only to down tools should a speck of debris from another trade fall within 50ft of them.
53,will take weeks to carry out a job whilst on daywork ,but hours if its job and knock.
54,Can do amazing calculations Stephen Hawkins would struggle with to work out the odds on a yankee at the bookies or work out what they have earned on a price,but cant fill in a tacho.
55,Are able to park the lorry anywhere in london at any time for any reason "cus we're scaffs mate,don't need an exemption"
56,Can get a lorry into any area any where, if it means not walking the gear more than a metre.
57,Have or will work on "Buck ouse" (Buckingham Palace)at sometime between stints in Jail
58,Are "Friends" on Raol Moats facebook page
59,Went to Ronnie Krays funeral
60,Erect 20 square each and every day regardless of where they are.
61,Insist you buy fruit of the loom sweatshirts for them ,and then after 1 day they wear crappy old sweatshirts from their old firm claiming the new one you gave them is in the wash,and they need another
62, Utters the generic phrase "I could get a start on there tomorrow if I wanted to" (at intervals not exceeding 35 minutes.)
63, If a large, prestige job is mentioned by anyone, the words "yeah, I put that up" is muttered, following a pause not exceeding 0.015 seconds (even though it clearly took at crew of 12 blokes, 6 weeks to erect, during which time the scaffolder in question was doing house fronts for £80 a day, cash in hand.)
64, The supervisor was ALWAYS 'useless on the tools'
65, Leaves a perfectly good, regular job for an extra fiver a day.
66, Thinks Sharm el Skeikh is a decent holiday resort.
67, Is a fully certified and paid up member of 'The Monday Club'
68, Has a complete and utter lack of understanding of the difference between a half hitch and a clove hitch.
69, Surveys suggest that the average London scaffolder with 10 years in the game has said "Yeah, I know Hayden" at least 8 thousand times during his career....
70, Has a missus who works part time in a high street bank.
71, Whilst having a mandatory stella and cocaine session in the local boozer on a Friday afternoon/evening, only multi lift hangars, apexed temporary roofs, flying shores, or jobs exceeding 600ft high will be mentioned.r one or they'll have to wear this one from ***** again "mate"
72,Will always steal,borrow,filch,nick,take any building materials from site if carrying out a complex building job at home ,claiming it a "right on the site" .I have personaly witnessed such items as ,Bricks and blocks,wood,tiles and slates the ever popular bags of cement (damp) sand, fridges and white goods a dog and even a small rowing boat with "Property of Grafham water" clearly written on it.
73,Will take every single item from the yard that the rival gang needed,even if its not needed by them,just for badness !
74,Will ring up the yardman at 4.30 with a massive list you couldn't fit on the Titanic and utter the words "we need all that in the morning or we can't get on"
75,Will send back the above loaded lorry with the mearest amount used proclaiming job done mate at 12.30 (usualy fridays).
76,Will take "Colditz" style chances to steal the yardmans gloves or tape measure.
77, Over-order gloves and then sell the surpluss to a trader on Romford Market for 50p a pair.
78, Think that anyone is actually impressed or cares that you 'did a flying shore on your advanced course' - Er, so just like everyone else then?...
79, Arrive on site at 8.15 and declare to a stressed site manager "Don't worry mate, we're the A-Team", and then promptly disappear to the cafe until 10am.
80, Think that the office girls over the road and the gang of bricklayers on site wil be impressed when you 'balance' a 21 on your chin. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
81, Claim to be s**t hot at hemping and then when a lift with high scarfs comes along, either, 1 - go for a dump, or 2 - Jump down into the chain and let a real scaffolder whack em on.
82 Has at one time or another owned a ford granada
83 Worked on the Nat West tower under 25s
84 Thrown gear down so high it burst a gas pipe.
85 Fallen over 20' bot survived cause they were in the SAS/SBS
86 Flapped band and plate from 100ft without the pair parting
87 Dropped a 21 in Oxford street in rush hour miraculously missing everone
88 Has a blimp on every job even if its not a street job!!
89 Thinks the dash for the lorry is where you place youre feet
90 Thinks every bird must fancy me even when I have no hair and no teeth case i am a scaff so then says Morning Darling Fancy the Weekend on My Boat (Boat Race + Face for the uneducated)
91, Thinks that materials are issued to scaffolding companies free of charge...
92, Has a fondness for pathetic chunks of worthless yellow 'jewellery'
93, Randomly says "I spent 2 years on the rope and wheel before I was allowed any spanners" (even though you can clearly remember him spending £302.77 in Leaches a day after he recieved his first wage packet)
94, Asks for a sub 2 days after he recieves his first wage packet
95, Thinks that diesel is issued to scaffolding companies free of charge....
96, Has the top Sky TV subscription
97, Has a slate in his local boozer
98, Thinks that non-productive personnel are issued to scaffolding companies free of charge...
99, Is saving up to get married in Vegas
100, Has a forklift/mewp/first aid ticket "but it's expired" - "so you don't have a ticket then?" - "No, but I did have" - "That's a no then!"
101,If given the choice and it was "FREE" would still rather fill their Astra, or Escort (ex bt) van up with red deisel.
102,Has considered,contemplated or tried to fit the 3.5 tonne lorry through the Mcdonalds drive through.
103,Has got really friendly with the site canteen lady,run up a massive bill on credit ,then knokced her and been heard laughing and muttering "fat old cow her sausages were tescos white label anyway,she deserved it"
104, Has braved the coldest,snow laden roads only to turn up in the yard,do a handbrake turn ,skimming the parked forklift being jump started,lept out of the car to a barrage of snow balls, put up a stowic defense of the fitting bins,then breezed into the office declaring "you can't work out in this mate,its freezing and dangerous"
105,Used the forklift in the yard as a jack to change a wheel or bald tyre.
106,Has knowingly hidden sleeves or some other critical components on site and rung the office stating we're out of gear so as to get an early day.
107,Has cunningly fashioned a spoon out of tin foil to eat the yougurt in their pack lunch cus they forgot the proper spoon cus they got up late.
108,Has used the old "clocks forward and back" trick to get a lie in at least once.
