The original scaffolders list complied by..
Phil181 & Dangeruss
with contributions from Scaffman1 & Tufty
Scaffmag - write your own material you mug.
1, Tattoos on the forearm or neck.
2, A complete and utter lack of financial understanding and planning.
3, A mobile phone with a cracked screen.
4, At least a dozen Grandmothers (all of whom die on a sunday night/monday morning)
5, Had a stint in prison.
6, The unique ability to talk a complex structure (up and down and on the wagon) from the comfort of a bar stool.
7, The CSA after him.
8, A brother/cousin who "is on Trad's"
9, A surprisingly fit girlfriend.
10, At least one staffie.
11, Kids by at least 2 different partners.
12, Had worked putting the roof on Canary Wharfe.
13, Has been done for drink driving at least once.
14, Knows at least 1 person that worked with the Krays.
15, Smokes or smoked weed.
16, Drives a battered old car with no tax, insurance or MOT.
17, Must be racist.
18, Wears joggers with holes where burned with disc cutter.
19, Must have illegible handwriting - like a Doctor.
20, The ability to swear at least 3 times in every sentence - and make it sound ok.
21, An inherent hatred of traffic wardens, the police, Judges, Magistrates, Site managers and most of all Bricklayers & their ex wives and their ex wives partners, families, families, pets etc.
22, Have a stupid, childish ringtone on his mobile phone.
23, Gets the evening standard for the sole purpose of looking at the scaffolding jobs (regardless of whether looking for work or not)
24, Have chips with their breakfast (under 25's only)
25, Spends every other night 'up all night with the little one' - even though their missus doesn't work.
26, Have an amazing ability to keep a straight face when saying 'what are we gonna get paid for Saturday?' - even though a complete moron could work out that absolutely nothing got done on the Saturday and they were clearly in the Wetherspoons at 11am.
27, Have tinned, not fried tomatoes with their breakfast (over 25's only)
28, Own a 'standard scaffolders issue phone' that runs out of battery at 3.30pm, every day.
29, Takes a **** at least 4 times a day (daywork lads only)
30, Thinks Cancun is a good place to get married.
31, Has a bacon roll for breakfast (over 50's only)
32, Doesn't realise that there is an echo when you ring your governor from a pub toilet.
33, Only ever does "drawing jobs mate" - but can't actually read one!
34, Works on a site with skips ,and waste bins everywhere but can't put the crisp bags, coke cans, fag packets, old scratch cards, copies of the Sun/Sport etc into one of the said waste receptacles, preferring instead to leave it in the lorry so that it’s so dirty you need a tetanus jab to get in it.
35, Would walk miles to get to a cafe, but won't walk 50ft to get the gear because "I'm a ******* scaffolder, not a Donkey mate"
36, Will use any of the following items, Nail, bolts, old drill bit, bit of threaded rod, piece of wood or metal to knock in a Hilti M16 insert EVEN IF THEY HAD THE DRIFT .
37, Would think nothing of carefully cutting out a patch of carefully erected monarflex
so as to be able to watch women below.
38, Will spend thousands on the latest flat screen TV but won't buy a new spanner, preferring to fix it with an old nail or the like.
39, Will wear boots that Robinson Crusoe wouldn't be seen in, unless on the cards and then DeWalt are the only boots acceptable.
40, Will ask endless stupid questions during a toolbox talk in your time to drag it out, but won't even breathe during a toolbox talk, at let’s say 4pm-ish !
41, Have to have at least 6 red bulls a day.
42, Go to the shop for food after coming to work, even if they pass it on the way in.
43, Must own an aquaphone:- rings the boss the instant a drop of rain hits it.
44, Be allergic to the fitting shed.
45, And paint.
46, Must have the ability to drive to the job and back at 40 mph (motorway or not)
47, And 90 mph if it's a job and knock.
48, Be a proper chatterbox from 8am to 8:30 when they get into work and practically deaf and dumb at ten to five when it’s time to go home.
49, Think that supplied work clothes are of the disposable type to be left behind seats of lorry’s and in the canteen.
50, Has used his CISRS card for chopping up coke more than he has for scaffolding purposes.
51, Will be able to text whilst carrying out any number of precarious tasks including, Driving, scaffolding, eating in the cafe, on the rope and wheel, talking on the landline
52, Will think nothing of bombing tonnes of gear into an area the size of a stamp rather than walking it 10 yards, so the whole area resembles a crow’s nest or giant game or Kerr-plunk with people everywhere dodging the tubes raining down from above, only to down tools should a speck of debris from another trade fall within 50ft of them.
53, Will take weeks to carry out a job whilst on daywork, but hours if it’s job and knock.
54, Can do amazing calculations Stephen Hawkins would struggle with to work out the odds on a yankee at the bookies or work out what they have earned on a price, but can’t fill in a tachograph.
55, Are able to park the lorry anywhere in London at any time for any reason "coz we're scaffs mate, don't need an exemption"
56, Can get a lorry into any area, anywhere, if it means not walking the gear more than half a yard.
57, Have or will work on "Buck ouse" (Buckingham Palace) at sometime between stints in Jail.
58, Are "Friends" on Raol Moats facebook page.
59, Went to Ronnie Krays funeral.
60, Erect 20 square each and every day regardless of where they are.
61, Insist you buy fruit of the loom sweatshirts for them and then after 1 day they wear crappy old sweatshirts from their old firm claiming the new one you gave them is in the wash and they need another.
62, Utters the generic phrase "I could get a start on there tomorrow if I wanted to" (at intervals not exceeding 35 minutes.)
63, If a large, prestige job is mentioned by anyone, the words "yeah, I put that up" is muttered, following a pause not exceeding 0.015 seconds (even though it clearly took at crew of 12 blokes, 14 weeks to erect, during which time the scaffolder in question was doing house fronts for £80 a day, cash in hand.)
64, The supervisor was ALWAYS 'useless on the tools'
65, Leaves a perfectly good, regular job for an extra fiver a day.
66, Thinks Sharm el Skeikh is a decent holiday resort.
67, Is a fully certified and paid up member of 'The Monday Club'
68, Has a complete and utter lack of understanding of the difference between a half hitch and a clove hitch.
69, Surveys suggest that the average London scaffolder with 10 years in the game has said "Yeah, I know Hayden" at least 8 thousand times during his career....
70, Has a missus who works part time in a high street bank.
71, Whilst having a mandatory Stella and cocaine session in the local boozer on a Friday afternoon/evening, only multi lift hangars, apexed temporary roofs, flying shores, or jobs exceeding 600ft high will be mentioned.
72, Will always steal, borrow, filch, nick, take any building materials from site if carrying out a complex building job at home, claiming it a "right on the site" - Bricks and blocks, wood, tiles and slates the ever popular bags of cement (damp) sand, fridges and white goods, a dog and even a small rowing boat with ‘Property of Grafham water’ clearly written on it.
73, Will take every single item from the yard that the rival gang needed, even if it’s not needed by them - just to **** them up!
74, Will ring up the yardman at 4.30 with a massive list you couldn't fit on the Titanic and utter the words "we need all that in the morning or we can't get on"
75, Will send back the above loaded lorry with the mearest amount used proclaiming job done mate at 12.30 (usually Fridays).
76, Will take a ‘Colditz’ style chance to steal the yardman’s gloves or tape measure.
77, Over-order gloves and then sell the surplus to a trader on Romford Market for 50p a pair.
78, Think that anyone is actually impressed or cares that you 'did a flying shore on your advanced course' - Er, so just like everyone else then?...
79, Arrive on site at 8.15 and declare to a stressed site manager who’s desperate for a scaffold in double quick time "Don't worry mate, we're the A-Team" - and then promptly disappear to the cafe until 10am.
80, Think that the office girls over the road, and the gang of bricklayers on site will be impressed when you 'balance' a 21 on your chin.
