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  #1231  
Old 23rd April 2016
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TANJOOBERRYMUTTS
By the time you read through this you will understand "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS".....and be ready for China.
Now, here goes...









The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service in China......
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye, Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken ? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...

Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken , Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"




Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS' ...... and you do, don't you!
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  #1232  
Old 9th August 2016
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When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

What is black and is stuck to a ceiling? A not very good electrician.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.

Sometimes some people deserve a good high five, in the face, with a chair.

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.

I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. I am perfect.

Today I found my first grey pubic hair. I got really excited, but not as much as the other people in the lift.

Around 50% of our youth sees the future in a positive way. The other half doesn’t have the money to buy the drugs.

How can they call it Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is you stand up and say,
‘My name is John and I am an alcoholic’?
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  #1233  
Old 18th September 2016
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There`s been some pretty crap jokes on here but this is the worst by far
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  #1234  
Old 18th September 2016
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That really was'nt funny.

Sent from my SM-J320FN using Tapatalk
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  #1235  
Old 18th September 2016
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Default Scaffolding Book and joke forum

Sorry to all of you, my post on the scaffolding book appears to be in the wrong forum. By the way Scaffarobbo, it was not meant to be a joke, have you got any good ones?

Cheers mate!
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  #1236  
Old 31st January 2017
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Talking Trumps Muslim Ban

Trump walks into the Oval office, turns to his administrative team and says, “I want to organize the deportation of 10,000 Muslims and one kitten.”
Everyone looks around the table and, after a long silence, Mike Pence says. “Mr. President, why do you want to deport a kitten?” Trump smiles and turns to the rest of the table. “You see, no one cares about the Muslims.”
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  #1237  
Old 4 Weeks Ago
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The building is all completed and awaiting hand over, before that can happen Alex wants some poor and incomplete work finished as is normal at these times.
A meeting is arranged between Alex, the main contractor and a sub-contractor, site agent, planning supervisor and site safety manager. A tour is planned of the building to look at relevant defects starting on ground floor. Alex points out badly fitting window frames, the site agent makes some notes and the sub-contractor goes to the window and shouts,
'Green side up.'
They move to the first floor and Alex points out badly fitted and missing lights, the site agent makes some notes and the sub-contractor goes to the window and shouts,
'Green side up.'
On the 2nd floor more problems are highlighted, radiator leaking, exposed cables, waste and broken window frame, the site agent makes some notes and the sub-contractor goes to the window and shouts,
'Green side up.'
This is too much. The safety manager has to ask. So he says, 'Every time you are told a defect , you write it down, but then the subbie yells out the window
'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?'
The sub-contractor shakes his head ruefully and says, 'I have four blokes laying turf around the building.'
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  #1238  
Old 2 Weeks Ago
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The doctor said, "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

...

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. I had no choice but to go under the knife.

When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an important part of myself.

As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person. I could make a new beginning and live a new life.

I saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new suit...'

I entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long."

I laughed, "That's right, how did you know?

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

I tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. As I admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

I thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed me and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

I was surprised. "That's right! How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

I thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see...Size 36."

I laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34.

A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
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  #1239  
Old 1 Week Ago
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Gun Control... It's already started at Bass Pro Sporting Goods. When I was ready to pay
For my purchases of gun powder and bullets, the cashier said "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the National Rifle Association about the gun control
Wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and
Alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit Card in the card-reader.

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in future. They need to make their instructions to us
Seniors a little clearer. I still don't think for 78 I looked that bad.
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  #1240  
Old 1 Week Ago
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Apparently, they have invited a miracle cure for lesbianism. Its called ' trycoxagain'
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